i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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