some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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