who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
