do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize