Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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