Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Two words: blizzard sex
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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