my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
