just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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