My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize