I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
