she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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