Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
