Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Your dad touched me again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
