have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
