my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
