Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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