Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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