so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
