Three words: puerto rican gang bang
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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