I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
