The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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