Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
