just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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