He disabled his match.com account in front of me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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