I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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