If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
