Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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