the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
