I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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