I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
