i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
