I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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