Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the liver wants what the liver wants
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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