my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
