I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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