her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
