i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
