No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
smell my finger.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
