Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
