If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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