the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
