I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
