i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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