Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
