totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
