I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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