I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
