I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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