i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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