I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
