I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize