it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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