i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How does one acquire holy water?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
