There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
