So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
