I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
